"The soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears."
Minquass - Native American

"I am a born worrier! I find it hard to relax! I am often stressed!"
Steve Hawley - Delegate

The two statements above are not as unrelated as they may first appear - let me try to explain.

I have always found it difficult to stop worrying and relax. Many years ago, before my cancer diagnosis, a kind and well meaning doctor gave me a 'How to Relax' audiotape. It involved listening to a supposedly calming but extremely irritating voice taking me through a series of exercises intended to 'enable me to achieve a more relaxed attitude to life'. Fine I thought - lets give it a try.

The problem became apparent after some preamble on the tape. I was supposed to be naked or in 'loose-fitting clothes' and preferably in the dark. After several ungainly attempts at finding the minimum space I had available on the floor of my room, I lay down and began the 'process'. So far so good. However, the voice then suggested I stand up and move about to a series of prompted actions. All the while relaxing. I hit my hand a glancing blow on the chest of drawers, banged my knee on the wardrobe door and almost took a walk into space at the top of the stairs! No- sadly relaxation tapes were not for me. I stayed stressed!

I am also a sceptic! I find it hard to 'get my head around' many potentially excellent ways to relax. I have never mastered meditation - it says something about my psyche that I always felt the others would leave the room if I closed my eyes for too long! Yoga entailed risk of my becoming stuck in a cramp-ridden pose. My list is endless - it's not the style/method of relaxing that is the problem but my difficulty in risking losing control.

Given the above, I have often asked myself why I find myself year-on-year going to Carl Stonier's workshops - which usually have the intriguing phrase' Altered States' in the title! I think I now have the answer.

It's all a question of trust!

In the spirit of choosing one workshop for me, I found myself travelling in the tower lift to the heavens! Readers of past conference reports may remember the 'several delegates trapped in a lift for an hour' scenario. The risk of heart failure from climbing the stairs was all that enticed me back into that means of conveyance!

The thought of going on a 'Shamanic Journey' appealed increasingly as the lift doors slid apart at the correct floor. The fact that we could see for miles from the windows was an added bonus.

Carl talked us through what we would be doing and we shared what we expected/hoped for from the experience. I was looking forward to the repetitive drumming that Carl was going to do instead of playing a tape recording. There is something very special about the human touch whilst drumming. Maintaining the beat is very important and can't be replicated with a drumming machine as it is too perfect!

Having made ourselves comfortable, following some relaxation exercises, Carl led us through a guided journey into a 'safe place'. I always find this a very meaningful experience and value the opportunity to seek for one. I find increasingly I am able to get there and remain for quite some time. Previous attempts have been less successful and I have had difficulties in 'holding the space'. I have been too easily drawn back into the room. Practice and trust!

Once we had all 'returned' to the room and were sure we were comfortable, Carl introduced us to the next stage of the workshop. He explained that he would be drumming to a regular beat and that we would be made aware of the end of the journey by the quickening of his drumming. He would not be talking at this time. Whatever occurred would be 'within ourselves'. We might 'see' an animal or bird - we might see it three times - if this happened we might choose to follow. I have seen this referred to as 'Soul Flight' - by following a route to another dimension, accompanied by our power animal/bird, we might with their help discover solutions to problems as yet unresolved.

As the drum began I very quickly 'saw' a clearly defined eagle.

Another with opening claws - I felt agitated, anxious, apprehensive. Followed by a third in full flight. It soared. I followed' Still aware of the drumming I felt empowered. I experienced extreme clarity. I felt relaxed. I was tranquil. The drum beat quickened. I was back in the room!

By taking a risk, I had had an amazing experience. By accepting the safe environment I had felt trust. By involving with an 'altered state of consciousness' I became enabled. I took the opportunity to have a rainbow in my soul!